Gift From the Sea

I just reread this book and it has even more meaning for me now that it did when I read it as a young mom. It is a book that deserves to be read with a pen in hand to do my own writing and reflection while reading her writing and reflection. The messages from this book can be life changing if only I can capture the inspiration in my very soul where my life will naturally reflect the new learning, new beliefs, and desire for living life in a whole new way.

It is interesting to me that she wrote this book in the very year of my birth, as if she knew that at the start of my life I would eventually need this kind of message to guide me. She knew early on that I would need help. I am now reading it again at about the age she was when she wrote it. I feel such a infinite connection with her as if I knew her and she knows me, and we made some sort of agreement of what she would offer me and I in turn offer others. (Okay that might sound like I am in touch with dead people, which I'm not, in case you're worried, I am close to the edge of insanity but haven't fallen all the way over quite yet!)  Anyway, my offering is that you read this book and find your stillness in the center--your inner core. I offer this book as a vehicle for you to do your own soul searching and writing about what it prompts you to belief, think, and eventually do.  I also know that my humble and inadequate offering is also to write and share like she did, realizing of course, that I am not nearly as gifted with the use of words and imaginary as she was. At least you don't have to pay to read my writing, so remember, you get what you pay for!

Move Out of Pain

Sometimes I get so used to the pain of poor posture that I start to think pain is normal. While swimming this morning I noticed how much pain I feel when my neck and head are in the wrong place. It is a pain that I have grown accustomed to and so I just suffer without thinking of making that small adjustment that relieves the pain. Kind of like I tend to do in life. I can get so use to doing things that aren't that rewarding and maybe a little painful but since I am use to a little misery because of that false belief that I have to be self sacrificing to be "worthy," I just endured without considering I could move out of pain.  I must have believed that "Men are that they might have joy" but we women need to SUFFER.  I guess I must have believed that pain of childbirth that Eve was "blessed" with had to last throughout my life.

I am now converted to a new belief.  I can move out of pain and be a good person. In fact, I was created to have joy.  Pain is telling me something needs to change and is NOT something I should ever just get use to. Every time I do a posture check to relieve the physical pain, I will remember to keep doing that in all aspects of my life. 

Hard Things

Doing something hard that is good for me brings me joy. Today I went to Bikram yoga for the third time and made it through without feeling light headed at all. The second time going earlier this week about did me in. I spent half the time so light headed that I had to lay down. Right now it feels so good doing something hard. I am glad that I pushed through and stuck with it even when it got hard because now I get to feel this successful feeling and my body benefits also.  Good for me.  Now if I can just get the kink out of my arm from patting myself on the back. 

Running Up Stairs

Here's a simple joy for you. I love running up stairs, and on the landing half way up the staircase in our home is this magnificent view from the window.  Not only do I get a little thrill from the view but I also get a little kick out of the fact that I CAN run up stairs. One reason is that I grateful that I am physically fit enough to do so but also because when I was a teenager, I would have to consciously stop myself from running up stairs. You see I was sick of being too skinny and being told that if I stick out my tongue and turn sideways that I would look like a zipper. Not the mention the guy that brought a bundle of toothpicks tied with an elastic and handed them to me telling me to have a family reunion, and so I read an article about how to gain weight and one of the suggestions was not to run up stairs.

Now that I have valiantly overcome that weight issue and actually gone overboard, I now want to run up stairs and need to do so in order to keep from escalating the weight gain. It is also fun because since my dog goes wherever I go, we have a little race as I run up the stairs with JOY (Joy isn't the dog, just the feeling)!                   

Renaming the Purpose of my Blog

The old purpose of my blog was to discover truth. I have discovered some revealing truth that has been liberating, and I will want to always be searching for truth; but now my main focus is to choose and experience JOY! My new emphasis is going to be aware of and focus on what I have done that has brought me true joy and the kind of experiences and habits that will continue to sustain a joyful life. After all, "Men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25) The really interesting thing is that finding joy is also finding truth. I get to kill two birds with one stone; or should I say, I get to lift a bird with two discoveries. Killing something somehow doesn't feel appropriate.

False Beliefs

I have embraced a lot of false beliefs and one of those is that to take a day off and just rest when I am not sick is selfish and wrong. In other words, if I am trying to be the ultimate self-sacrificer and earn the Martyr of the Year award that means that giving myself permission to rest and regroup would be a violation of monumental proportions. (Are you impressed with the intellectual expression thus giving me more bang for my buck--not only am I a martyr but an articulate one)

Mind you, however,  if I get sick, then going to bed is justified. Oh wait a minute, I have even been know to suffer through the sickness and still rise to that super woman ideal, but trust me, everyone knows about it.  But if I get really really sick then I can still go to bed and keep my claim on that over zealous title.

Okay, so now I know I don't have to get sick to give myself permission to do what my heart is calling for, and voila, I don't need to get sick and incapacitated anymore. I can just crawl in bed or in the tub feeling great and not needing any excuse. Wow, I just had a big sigh of relief. I am going to continue to explore my false beliefs and nix them.

Prayer-The Best Stabilizer

It really goes without saying, but prayer is the best stabilizer to rescue any of us from our addictions. Even one as seemingly mild as mine. I realize that one of the steps in overcoming a addiction is reliance on a higher power. In that way, an addiction can really be a blessing because it turns us to God. It is so much better if we can always turn to our Heavenly Father in the good times, but it does seem to be a fact of human nature that we can become complacent when life is easy and think we are okay on our own. It is in the desperate or painful times that we know we can't and that force us on our knees to call out for help. That is a blessing that addicts have that anyone free of addictions don't. But let's face it, I think we all suffer from some sort of addiction.

My personal quest is to always remember (something I am reminded of each week at church) that I need His Spirit to be with me to stabilize my life and to put my trust in my Savior and not some substitute that will only give me a temporary euphoric feeling. I will continue to turn to prayer throughout the day because it is so easy to jump back on that roller coaster ride and get that sick thrill. I will continue to seek His love and peace that is my great stabilizer.

Life Stablizers

As I stabilize my life and get off my addiction to the roller coaster ride, I have discovered that it is all about the basics. I have found great stability in cooking and cleaning a little more than I have been doing. That means that I finally start using those recipes and cleaning tips that I have been pinning on pinterest. Really. You mean there was more of a purpose for those that just filing them away on my board?!

This makes me think of Adam and Eve. I know, you're thinking; "What a stretch!" Stay with me here. As they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, Adam was told that he would have to start working for his food for his "sake."   The definition of sake is benefit.  There you have it. Work is for our benefit and now it can become my road to that smooth sailing boat ride.

Eve was also told that she would have to go through pain to have children, and let's face, even with the pain, having children is for our benefit. But I will go ahead and work for my food instead of having more children. Right now a new recipe from pinterest is baking in the oven. I am floating along.

Hot Yoga

This morning I did hot yoga for the first time. Wow! Such a great experience--not just physically but mentally as well. The instructor was so sweet and kept an eye on those of us that were new. At one point, I became very light headed and thought I would pass out and so I put my head between my knees. The instructor saw me and knew what was happening to me and told me to just enjoy the light show that I was experiencing. It was the perfect description of what I was feeling,  and I found the comment to be an interesting commentary on life.  Yes, just enjoy it. It is all beneficial.  

Peace

There is peace that surpasses all understanding. At the moment of the stark realization that I know I am responsible for someone's pain and done damage to a relationship by sinning against my true nature to be loving and supportive and becoming controlling and critical, it can be quite gut-retchingly painful. I think it is the depth of this kind of pain that makes it harder to want to take personal responsibility for the damage that has been done and to want to defend and deflect, but that avenue is just an artificial means to try and feel more comfortable but won't ever lead to true peace.

It is only when I have faith that my pain can be swallowed up in Christ's Atonement that I know there can be some relief from that excruciating pain. It is that faith that allows total humility and accountability that will eventually lead to forgiveness and healing and allow that pain to be replaced with peace. The peace that surpasses all understanding. It is with deep gratitude that I express appreciation for my Savior that He was willing to suffer for me so that I don't have to continue to feel the full depth of the pain of my responsibility. I have faith that He can heal all damage that I have done.

Addiction

After a friend read my roller coaster post, she sent me a text worried about me. In response I told her no need to worry, I am fine, but I wanted to share an epiphany that I had AGAIN. Yes, I am in the remedial life course and it takes a lot of repetition for me.

I realized that I have gotten so use to the adrenalin rush from the roller coaster ride, that I might have become somewhat addicted to it. Yes, as this definition says, I have developed a sick liking for it; and because of that desire,  I might be attracting the wild ride in order to feed that addiction.

What this realization does for me is first and foremost put me in a position of facing the truth about myself which is humbling and calls for the need to seek forgiveness and course correction by drawing on the strength of my Savior to heal.  It really leads to assuming more personal responsibility, drawing on the Atonement to overcome, and ultimately resulting in more personal power and freedom.  It is only when I acknowledge that I am not the victim but the driver of my own ship, that I am able to take the helm and allow my Father to direct me as I find healthy and productive ways to find fulfillment. Writing in this blog being one of them.  I will reserve the roller coaster ride to my visits to the amusement parks.

There you have it; my true confession. Yesterday I had over hundred hits to my blog. I hope this helps someone out there who might be having their own struggle.

Roller Coaster Ride

Yup, this is my life. In the pre-earth life, I obviously got in the line signing up for a roller coaster ride. Why or why didn't I get in the line for long, thick hair, a great singing voice, and a nice, smooth ride on a boat in calm water. Silly me, I thought I was up for the thrill of a dysfunctional life!

Where there is a will...

Recently we have had a little remodel projects done on our home. One project was removing old wallpaper and repainting my exercise room. We also had a door put in separating the play room from the exercise room so I could lock the grandkids out to protect them from getting hurt on the equipment (and to save my room from their search and destroy mission). Having room for the door to swing open necessitated moving all the machines, weights, etc. and I took that opportunity to clean the carpets as I moved things. Our treadmill is pretty heavy and I knew that I would have to wait until Kev came home to move it. Well, when I want something done, I want it done now and I will find a way. Sure enough, I figured out how to move that heavy machine all by myself. Just call me He Man. When there is a will, there is a way.