Happy Mother's Day Mom

Mother's Day is interesting. It a day that I am caught between two worlds. A world where I think back to the memories of being the daughter of a Mom and the world in which I see my own daughter as a Mom; not to mention realizing that I am forever a Mom.

Mother's Day is a day that I think of  the line of maternal Moms who went before me that I had the privilege to know here on earth. My Great Grandmother Leuvenia, my Grandmother Eva, and my Mom, Audrene. These are the women that helped shape who I am. (Blame them, not me) These are the women who taught me the importance of being a mom. They all made sour dough pancakes, homemade ice cream, created a beautiful home, planted gardens, served in their church, knitted and crocheted, exercised, and devoted their lives to their children.  They created cherished holiday memories and made family connection and togetherness their highest priority. They made their homes the best place to be.

Thank you Grandma Leuvenia for the fun memory of crocheting nose warmers with you. Thank you Grandma Eva for your example of exercising every day with Jack Lalanne. Thank you for coming and taking care of us that month while my Dad was in the hospital before he died.  Thank you for coming to see me when I didn't make it to come see you on Mother's Day that one year. You didn't complain that I was the only grandchild that didn't come, you just came to my home to see me later on in the week teaching me that it isn't about keeping score and just feeling bad that I didn't come, but how much I personally meant for you to come all that way just to see me. Thank you for staying on earth just long enough to meet my first little baby girl a few days before you died.

Thank you to my Mom for the many nights that you prayed by my bed. Thank you for making our home such a fun place to be with lots of fun toys, equipment, and books. (Unfortunately, it was a little too fun and attracted all those messy boys!!) Thank you for all the lessons and opportunities--piano, dance, baton, tennis, swimming, water and snow skiing, painting, sewing. You really gave it your best shot to provide me with an opportunity to find a talent--the failure to do so is mine not yours.

Thank you for taking me golfing so I could catch butterflies. Thank you for having us help make Christmas candy, put stamps in those books, and serving us every kind of food. Thank you for hiding those large chocolate bars from Dad that I would sometimes find. Thank you for the new clothes I would find on my bed when I came home from school after you had been shopping. Thank you for all the shopping trips to Salt Lake and Ogden together. I am a real pro at it now.  Thank you for the free haircuts. I'm sorry about my ingratitude at the time because I really thought that if you didn't always cut it so short I would have long, lusciously thick hair. I know better now.

Mostly I want to thank my Mom for provided the perfect environment for me to prepare for and learn the important lessons I have had to learn. Thank you for being a wonderful grandma to my children and making sure that we have had traditions and outings to keep us all close. And thank you for those times that you didn't give us money because it did help us find a way we could do it on our own. You have been the perfect Mom for me.

Lastly, a thank you to my daughter, Courtney, who is carrying on the tradition of her grandmothers. Just today I ran into her at the gardening store buying plants for her garden with her three little boys. She is just as devoted to being a mom as all those before her were. 

Regret

I love this thought. I have found that the most miserable people are those that live with regret. Today I am going to my graduation ceremony. Originally, I was adamant that I wouldn't go because I really didn't need that final ending because I have enjoyed the process so much. As I was busy working on the final thesis and project, so many people would say that they bet I will be glad it is over assuming the final graduation would be a relief. Oftentimes I think we suffer through experiences thinking the ending is the best part, and so I was determined to be satisfied with my memories of the whole experience and stubbornly refuse that final ceremony because I didn't need it. Let's face it, I am really sad it has come to an end and that is why I dragged it out so long.

But then I woke up yesterday morning with this thought that I might regret not participating in that celebration. It isn't a matter that I can only have one or the other. I can enjoy the experience all along the way AND enjoy the celebration at the end.  I have to think that I can use my past regret to teach me to listen to that little voice that says that I might regret not putting on that cap and gown and getting my diploma. Today I will live in a way that I won't regret. I can learn from regret but I can also learn to enjoy the moment so I have less regret to learn from.

Obey Commandments-Prevent Addictions

This is the age of addictions. The best way to prevent an addiction that can take over someone's life is to obey the commandments. In  obedience; there is safety and peace. The commandments are not just Heavenly Father's way to control our lives or test us. He loves us and gives us commandments to protect us and provide the way to lasting joy and peace.  It is not a reward/punishment-based system inflicted on us by some outside authority, but one where a choice to obey naturally results in a positive outcome. Our choices naturally reward or punish us. A loving Heavenly Father would never hurt us. We can only do that to ourselves. But He will give us what we need to naturally find happiness. Keep the commandments and be grateful to Him for the blessings it brings.

Heart Sings

The more I focus on joy, the less I automatically focus on my prior accomplishment addiction. One of the greatest discoveries I have made is a new awareness of when my heart sings. It is the feeling I get when I am experiencing something joyful. Like the other day. I had to run an errand to Farmington and since I was near the new library, I decided to stop in and check it out. My heart sang. I loved the architectural design, I loved being in the middle of books, books, and more books. I loved the cozy reading spots, I loved seeing the big windows in the children's area overlooking a courtyard, I loved the art. I am going to take more time to seek out those simple little experiences that make my heart sing.

I am a Writer

I am a writer. I am not saying I am good at it. I am just saying I love to write. Something I didn't think I would ever say back in Jr. High and High School. I hated to write and as I think about it, I hated it because I wasn't given the freedom to really explore and record my own thoughts. I think I was too worried about punctuation, being graded, or pleasing someone else. I have found the best thing I have ever done when it comes to writing is to keep a journal and just reflect and write without worrying about a grade or evaluation. I hope in the process that it also makes me a better writer. But in the meantime, I enjoy the experience of putting my thoughts on paper. It seem to work better than leaving those thoughts continually bouncing around in my head and then being dumped on the first person I encounter when my brain needs a little decluttering. Not that that still won't happen; trust me.

Mercy

 2 Nephi 10:2-This scripture hadn't been marked until today. How had I missed the profound message of this scripture before? This morning I had said a little silent prayer that I would read something that would be important for me to know, and then I opened my scriptures and read this. It was a message just for me that obviously had just been added to my scriptures (kind of crazy how that happens). It is a message that says I can relax and know that God is merciful and that those I love will "come to that which will give them the true knowledge of their Redeemer." It is not a journey that can be forced. It is not a journey that is on my timetable. It is a journey that is dependent on God's mercy.

I have had a firm witness that my mercy and love will be one of the small ways that can help others understand and appreciate the infinite and perfect mercy of the Savior and thus the true knowledge of Him. It is nice to know that being merciful isn't really a lot of hard work. It isn't a exhausting checklist that needs to be followed. It is just relaxing into love--feeling God's love and compassion and letting that love consume my very being in such a profound way that it crowds out any feelings of regret or resentment and fills me with compassion.

I have this definition of mercy pasted in my scriptures.

"Mercy. That benevolence, mildness or tenderness of heart which disposes a person to overlook injuries, or to treat an offender better than he deserves; the disposition that tempers justice, and induces an injured person to forgive trespasses and injuries, and to forbear punishment, or inflict less than law or justice will warrant. In this sense, there perhaps no word in our language precisely synonymous with mercy. That which comes nearest to it is grace. It implies benevolence, tenderness, mildness, pity or compassion, and clemency, but exercised only towards offenders. Mercy is a distinguishing attribute of the Supreme Being." Author Unknown

May I always be filled with mercy and love. A hard thing for someone who thrives on sarcasm, has a critical eye, and has an exquisite memory for past hurts. But let's hope God can work miracles even with a reprobate like me. I am grateful that I have been given unique opportunities to feel and understand God's mercy in such a profound way. I have been given sacred learning experiences that were specially designed for my growth. Yes, I have my own Spiritual Designer.

Ordered Surroundings=Ordered Mind

I have exactly one week to go before my final presentation for my graduate project. I have learned a great deal about intrinsic motivation and optimal experience in education, but one of the most important rediscoveries I have made is the importance of order. In my focus for my project, it has been tempting to try and ignore messes and disorder but I realize, once again (being the remedial learner that I am), that it is hard to have an ordered mind when my surroundings are a mess. So whenever I feel confused or frustrated, I know it is time to take a minute and bring physical order to everything around me. It really does make a difference. So I just went and made my bed, cleaned up the dishes in the kitchen, and put away the stacks of books and papers I had scattered on my work table, and organized my desk, and now my brain can feel more relaxed and ordered.  Of course, there is only so much you can do with this brain of mine so there will never be enough physical order. Maybe that is why I am sort of OCD about organization. I am still trying hard to fix my brain.

I do find it interesting to note that before anything could be created when this world was made and even before there could be light, the first step was to organize.